I can't stop thinking about other guys.. I'm happy witht my man but I can't stop thinking about having sex with other people. It's getting bad. I find myself fantasizing about them all the time.


I tried so hard to tell myself it's wrong and that I should stop but I can't.

I had the most nicest dream last night about forbidden lust and desire.. it was weird because it has happened before. But the guy in my dream was the guy that it has happened with.

In my dream I had this attraction that I couldn't explain to this friend of mine that my boyfriend didn't know about.
I would walk down the street and bump into him and all I thought about is ripping his clothes off and having wild sex with him.
But one day in this dream, I was walking down the street and I bumped into him. He was outside his house about to put on his helmet, he was going for a ride. He owned a sportsbike and a worked up car. Anyhow, I had a quick conversation with him and continued on my way, the attraction was there. The intensity was there. He has managed to put the biggest smile on my face.
In my dream I fantasise about him, about him just picking me up and fucking me against the wall. Pulling my hair while fucking me from behind. And afterwards just laying there next to him.

Anyhow, I keep on talking to him and I so know that he wants me and I want him but we don't do anything because I have a boyfriend.
He doesn't make a move but I know he wants to.
He invites me to go to his house for a party, and I told him that I would stop by for a bit.

The day of the party came and I was going to go alone but my bf tagged on by. We went in and sat on the beanbags, someone handed us some beers and we started drinking.. I kept on looking aroung for him but I couldn't see him. I then see him he came to sit infront of us. I said hello and he said hello too. My boyfriend puts his arm around me and kisses me on the cheek and that's when I say him get up and the expression on his face I can't explain, it was like a disappointed look but at the same hurt. It seemed like he didn't approve of me being with him.
So, I got up and followed him but I told my boyfriend that I was getting another drink. I followed him to the kitchen and he had tears in his eyes, it looked like he was hurt that i just hurt him really bad..
that's when I relised that he was inlove with me and by hugging my bf that it was like i was rubbing it in...
So I asked him what was the matter and he said nothing. typical male so I asked him if he was in love with me and he said yes.

then I woke up.

i miss angelo.

I just know what I am feeling, I fell flat but yet restless.

Restless with what? with my life?
Like dido says in her Life for rent song, "I haven't really found a place that I can call home.:
Been moving around for so long now, I don't have a place to call home, and I'm not in one place long enough to even consider it my home. I want to have this place called home, and not for just my sake.

"I deerve nothing more than I get, coz nothing that I have is truly mine" I feel like I'm living in this surreal world. I feel like I am wasting my life, I look happy, I seem happy, but in reality I want to be happy but I'm not. The thing is that I don't know why I am not happy. I have lots and lots, but yet I feel so empty. This feeling I can't explain. Maybe the word for it is, blarrr.

"I have no idea what has happened to that dream." I lost my motivation a long ago, my dreams just seemed to slip away.

There's no one I can really talk to about these feelings, and I guess I will just keep it to myself, or post them up here.

I have no idea if anyone is reading this.. it doesn't bother me if you do read it. I didn't make it to please people or to keep people entertained, I made this blog to express my thoughts, my feelings, the one's that I can't express in my life.

Lyrics that touch me..
Dido - Life for rent
I haven't really ever found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't lean to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live my life more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent...

also,

Dido - white flag
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "It's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be.

There's this guy that is within my heart that I don't know what to do?
We love each other but for some reason we can't be one another. I have a boyfriend that I love truely. And I see myself with him for the rest of my life, but this other guy, is like my soul mate, his a male version of me.
I have known him for around 3 years now and during that time, we got together but it only last a month. My mistake. I broke it of with him because I dind't see him enough. I was childish but I tried my hardest to make him take me back. I tried everything and he didn't take me back. I broke his heart and he didn't want me to do it to him again.
After a while we decided to remain friends, and so we are now. But we flirt, he tells me that he misses me that he loves me..
I flirt back, I tell him that I think of him, which I do, but I know that we can't be together.
I have a boyfriend that I love lots, and I'm taken care of.
But with this guy, I just can't stop wondering what could of happen. He tells me that he wants me but it's a pitty that i'm with my man.

We slept together and I ended up pregnant and we decide not to keep it. But things just went down hill. But at the end we are still friends.

After all this time, he hasn't been with a girl.. now his going overseas (basically looking for a girl to marry) and in a way.. it's killing me.
It's like I don't want him to be with anyone else, but I want him to be happy. I just don't know.

His just my soul mate, and my boyfriend is my love.
Although I love my soul mate, but it's a forbidden love.

Why?
Mood:  spacey
I already have a live journal, but it seemed everybody was reading it. My boyfriend, my freinds and basically I felt like I can't really express the way I was feeling. My forbidden thoughts.

So that's why I created one, one that nobody knows about. Under a different name, basically to express my thoughts with out getting in trouble.

---

At the moment I just can't stop thinking about my past. My crazy past. Everything, walking down the street, any single minute that my mind is not occupied with something else, I am thinking about the men that were in my life. About the things that I used to do.

The sex, the drugs, the partying..

I've stopped doing it, I've settled down. I am happy.. but for some reason I don't know why I am thinking all this. It's my past, they are just thoughts, but they tend to get me down..
And even sometimes they seem to tempt me.

I walked past my old house, and all these thoughts and memories just came rushing back. Flashback of the past.
Especially, the way I was. The things that I used to do. The mischief!
I don't know if I am longing for the way I was, or for the men that I was with.
Back then I used to be wild, very adventerous and spontanous. Now i'm just calm, passive.
I guess in a way I miss the old me.

Images just come into my mind of me being with certain men from my psat.
Especial this one guy, I would have to say, he has to be the best that I have ever been with.
Images of him just can't stop coming into my head, of the passion of the lust! The way he would touch me and the way that he kiss me. I haven't felt anything else like it. But that was just a casual thing that only lasted 6 months.